My Truth About Grief

Dear Cameron,

I love you so much. I miss you everyday sweetheart. Some days I miss you more than others. Like today; today was hard, but it wasn't as hard as my other hard days, if that makes sense. I guess that means I'm healing, or maybe I'm fighting it off, or maybe I'm avoiding your memory. I don't know.

Grief is so complicated. Some weeks I feel like Super Woman; like I can take down buildings and be this powerful somebody saying and doing really important things. Some weeks I feel like I'm at that raw place again, stuck in time, lost in a valley. My heart aches some days so badly that I think I'm going to pass out.

Grief is so selfish. He attacks at random moments. He doesn't care where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with. He just shows up like an uninvited house guest.

I wish the grief would go away. Grief  can be so selfish that as heavy as this pain is to carry, as badly as it hurts, and how cliche as "I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy" or anyone else of that matter is, I do wish it were someone else. I wonder if it will go away completely. If it does go away, will it be as if I have forgotten you? Your memory? Your beautiful face, bright eyes, soft skin? I don't know.

Honey, the grief is still so new to me. It hurts so much. I cry more now than I have ever cried in the days leading up to this. But you, Cameron David, are worth everything I am and will be going through the rest of my life. I am trusting God for more comfort and peace; for the anxiety to subside and  for Him to reveal His purpose and His plan for my life. I trust God, but I do not understand God. I pray He gives me understanding too. Intercede for your mommy. Go before Him on my behalf, when I'm too weak to.

I'm sorry it's not the other way around. I'm sorry it was you and not me.

I love you Baby. The grief is strong, but the love I have for you is stronger. You are so loved Cam.

Love Always,

Mommy

Cameron's Introduction

Dear Cameron,

I'm new to this. The idea of sharing my thoughts and feeling with people I do not know is scary, yet refreshing... I guess.

I recently began reading blogs. I enjoy reading what people have experienced; reading what they think and getting a different perspective on situations. It helps keep me sane. It reminds me that I'm not the "only one". 

I think that's all I have to share right now. I'll write more once I learn how to operate this silly thing!

Love Always,
   
Mommy