Dear Cameron,
I love you so much. I miss you everyday sweetheart. Some days I miss you more than others. Like today; today was hard, but it wasn't as hard as my other hard days, if that makes sense. I guess that means I'm healing, or maybe I'm fighting it off, or maybe I'm avoiding your memory. I don't know.
Grief is so complicated. Some weeks I feel like Super Woman; like I can take down buildings and be this powerful somebody saying and doing really important things. Some weeks I feel like I'm at that raw place again, stuck in time, lost in a valley. My heart aches some days so badly that I think I'm going to pass out.
Grief is so selfish. He attacks at random moments. He doesn't care where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with. He just shows up like an uninvited house guest.
I wish the grief would go away. Grief can be so selfish that as heavy as this pain is to carry, as badly as it hurts, and how cliche as "I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy" or anyone else of that matter is, I do wish it were someone else. I wonder if it will go away completely. If it does go away, will it be as if I have forgotten you? Your memory? Your beautiful face, bright eyes, soft skin? I don't know.
Honey, the grief is still so new to me. It hurts so much. I cry more now than I have ever cried in the days leading up to this. But you, Cameron David, are worth everything I am and will be going through the rest of my life. I am trusting God for more comfort and peace; for the anxiety to subside and for Him to reveal His purpose and His plan for my life. I trust God, but I do not understand God. I pray He gives me understanding too. Intercede for your mommy. Go before Him on my behalf, when I'm too weak to.
I'm sorry it's not the other way around. I'm sorry it was you and not me.
I love you Baby. The grief is strong, but the love I have for you is stronger. You are so loved Cam.
Love Always,
Mommy
How about I am about to cry and I can't right now at work. Grief is selfish and the more you go through the more you wish it would go away go haunt someone else anyone but you. However our God is compassionate and he is understanding and he is the everlasting Love that you will need to get through the dark times that has past and that will come. As a mother you never want to have to bury your child and as a child you never want to bury your parent but when you know that God has already laid out our path before we were formed you hang on knowing that although you wanted Him to be here so much to be loved by your and to open up your eyes to to his precious smile. God needed him more and he will always be apart of you. When you are sad just close your eyes and remember the feeling of what he first moved. Hold on to that memory. I think this is a wonderful way to express your feelings. Love You Cuz and may you mind, heart and soul find peace. Davine
ReplyDelete