A Heart Still Beating

Dear Cameron,

I miss you sweetheart. I thought about you so much today. It was so hard to peel myself off the sheets and out the bed this morning. I was scheduled to go to lunch with a friend and almost didn't make it. I almost allowed that devil to keep me in my grief.

Two months ago today, I contemplated going to the hospital. I remember not feeling you move as much while I was at work, but I was comforted by the sound of your heartbeat that same night. I loved listening to your heartbeat. It was always so strong. I remember it sounding like a fast horse galloping. I was sure your were going to be a runner, like me, when you got older. Your Aunt Tyra cried the first time she heard your heartbeat. She was such a sucker for you. She loved you so much baby.

I remember feeling your last "high five" about 10:20 pm. It was shortly after I heard your heartbeat.
I like to think of it as you telling me "see you later" or "I love you". I think it was your way of comforting me before I went to bed; letting me know you were, I mean, are ok.

I never would have imagined it would be my last time feeling your movements.

It was so soothing hearing your heartbeat, hearing you move around. Another parent compared hearing a baby move suddenly, in the sack, to a strong wind between trees. It was so beautiful to know that life lived inside of me. That I was chosen to be your mother. I loved hearing the sound of your heart, it was one of the two indications that you were alive, that you lived.

I love you so much Cam. As sad as June 6, 2013 is now, I remember being so happy then. I remember being comforted by you, loved by you on that very day.

I wonder if I had gone to the hospital that night would it have made the outcome any different. Would you still be here? Could they have saved you? Would they have detected something was wrong? Would they have any answers?
These questions drive me insane. I'll stop asking them.

I can hear your voice in the back of my mind telling me you're ok and to stop worrying about you. I try not to, but you're out of my physical reach! and I miss that!
I miss carrying you around at work, to the movies, out to eat. I miss poking you and you kicking back. I loved all the pain I was in: the swollen feet, aching back, and pressure on my bladder. I never complained about the pain while I was pregnant because it reminded me that it was real. It hurt, of course, but I never wished it would go away or subside. I enjoyed it honey, I enjoyed you. They make great stories now.

Wonderful memories.

Baby, you are so loved, even now. Even in the midst of this grief.
I will continue to hold on to the memory of your beating heart. That sound, that beautiful symphony is just as loud and comforting today as it was two months ago.

I love you baby.

Love Always,

Mommy