What a Journey - Dear Cameron,Letters to my Beautiful Son

What a Journey - Dear Cameron,Letters to my Beautiful Son

Meeting Cameron - Dear Cameron,Letters to my Beautiful Son

Meeting Cameron - Dear Cameron,Letters to my Beautiful Son

Change of Location

Hello to all my readers!

Thank you for your visits, shares, likes, emails, love, and encouragement. Due to a high volume I have decided to expand my work! I'm am pleased to present my new website, www.dearcameron.com , to you all!

I have carried over the most popular posts and publish a new letter every Tuesday. Dear Cameron brings me much joy and comfort. Our story has touch the hearts of many and is on the mouths of most. I love sharing our story with you!

I will no longer be using Blogger to publish my work, but I will continue to leave it up and running as a reminder where it all began. Please follow me to my new website www.dearcameron.com .

Thank you all!

Domonique

100 Days of Blogging: Grieve Out Loud

Dear Cameron,

Happy 100 days!

We have shared our story, experiences, thoughts and encouragement for the past 100 days! We have been brave enough to keep going and keep sharing all while ignoring what they think along the way. 

We have endured 100 days of discouragement and 100 days of encouragement.We have endured the terrible insensitive things people have said to "help" us.
Thanks.

As raw, painful, and rude as grief can be, she has this way of making me feel human.
If I have learned one thing over the past 100 days about about grief, it is this.

Through all the pain, the hurt, the moments; 
through the feelings of wanting to give up and turn my back on everything and everyone, I have learned this from grief:

Although dark and raw and numb sometimes, grief can be beautiful. Everyday she teaches me about the person I can be; the person I truly am. She has lifted a cloak I have been hiding under for 22 years and now Domonique is blossoming. Domonique is being revealed. She, along with perseverance and God, has strengthened my faith. She has showed me it's okay to cry, scream, and weep because I am human; because I am a mother.

These 100 days have been my platform, my mark; my story. Touching the lives and sharing my story; your story Cam, with the world, is a part of the reason I have not given up. Shedding light, building my testimony, and breaking the silence is a what grief has encouraged me to keep doing. The past 100 days can attest for this.

So, on this 100th day of blogging, I will leave you with this.

Remember me
stumbling, crying, screaming.
Remember me
ranting, praying, begging.

Remember me now
Still Breathing.
Still Living.
Still Loving.
Still Standing.

Remember me
and never count me out.
Remember me on November 7th
Domonique.
A mother. Still lifted on her platform 100 days and counting.

I still don't know who I am, but grief has showed me who I am not.

I love you so much honey. More than I can ever describe.

Love Always,

Mommy

Tragedy Turned to Triumph

Dear Cameron,

I love you honey and I miss you terribly.

Today I participated in another event in your honor- March for Babies. I created a team, Walking for Cameron, that included Auntie, Gigi, and myself and set a goal for us to raise $200.00 for March of Dimes in your name.  However, in less than thirty day, we raised more than double our goal! The support from family, friends, coworkers and complete strangers who were touched by your story has been unbelievable. That is proof alone that your story, Cameron, is being heard and together we are breaking the silence.

After working a long, and late, eight hour shift at the restaurant, I was left with little time to get a good night's sleep. We left for the walk this morning at 5:30 am. The morning's darkness is one I am not familiar with. As we prepared my car and hit the road in route for a three hour and forty minute drive to Chesapeake, Virginia, I couldn't help but to think I wouldn't even be giving back the way I have been if you had been here. Questions such as:

Would I have made donations to March for Babies?

Will I continue to participate in events similar to March for Babies or is this just a phase?

played over and over again exhausted mind.

I fell asleep and woke up again constantly during the drive. One time I woke up just as the sun was peaking through the rain clouds and thought to myself how God creates such beauty even in the middle of a storm.

When we finally arrived at the event, I was surprised at how many people had come. Some families wore their custom t-shirts supporting their miracle baby; their little NICU graduate.  Other families wore t-shirts similar to mine; in memory of their little love. I remember reading the words "Until we Meet Again" on the back of one bereaved mother's custom shirt as she pulled her son in a plastic wagon.  My eyes watered a little.

Once the two and a half mile walk began, I instantly thought of you Cam. I was brought back to that raw day, June 7, 2013, when I was told those heart breaking words no mother wants to hear

"...I'm so sorry..." 

I glanced around at the sponsors and volunteers and wondered about their story- their testimony. I wondered what brought them to this event. Who were they walking for?
Shortly after, another thought, encouraging this time, came to my mind.

Everyone here, every soul walking in front and behind me, is walking for a purpose. They may share a story similar to mine, or one not so similar, however, they are all here for one reason and that reason is for someone. Someone they know, love or care about is important enough for the sponsors and volunteers to take time from their day to spend walking these miles. They are walking in someone's name; in someone's honor. 

To see everyone of all ages and nationalities come together for one purpose was beautiful, but most importantly, showed that there are people out there who are passionate through anger, grief, triumph or whatever it is, to the point they want to do something about it and make a difference.

So on today, as I, again, honored your wonderful memory and walked in the honor of other babies, with other families and my own, I was also reminded of this:

First, a lot of courage and perseverance is associated in participating in events such as March for Babies. Secondly, you are so loved baby. The individuals who donated to team Walking for Cameron, find you, important enough to support this cause. Next, every step counts, but the hurt, passion and love is enough fuel to continue to take the steps needed to make a difference and to keep going. And lastly, "the way tragedy has turned to triumph is only a transition that can be orchestrated by God alone."


Every baby deserves the chance to live a long healthy life.

I love you Cam.

Love Always,

Mommy

My Truth About Grief: Stress

Dear Cameron,

I love you.

There is one word that can properly describe the feeling that has consumed every ounce of my body and bits of my soul; stress.

There are moments when I find my self on the edge, getting ready to dive in a sea of tears with pain, hurt, and grief trailing behind me. As soon as I'm ready to take that leap; that long and terrifying dive to spend a moment, or two, swimming around in my own personal sea of tears, something anchors me to the ledge and forces me to turn my attention away from my dive; from my healing.

I want to get it out, but people and their demands won't allow me to. People (claim) they need me. But can't I be needed later?

People want to talk to me about "something".
But can that something wait until tomorrow.

Can I have MY day? Can I, just for a moment, catch my breath?

Over the past few weeks, I have discovered new thing related to grief and that is:

1. I'm Not Only Grieving You Cam, But Also the "New Normal"
I'm, reluctantly, learning what the new normal is. How to live it. How to embrace it.

2. I'm Grieving the Loss of Friendships
I'm not the same person I was before you and I never will be. There are friendships I have had to put some distance between for personal reasons. The ones who said

"I'm here when you need me."

Now have office hours.

3. I'm Grieving the Feeling of Emptiness
Empty arms, hearts, womb and rooms echoing with a thunderous silence.

I guess what I'm trying to say is grief comes in many forms. I have used many tactics such as pounds of make-up, a heavy college work load, and the need to help, listen, and please others, to mask myself from her line of vision. I have said "I'm okay" when I really wasn't. I have carried my own cross as well as the cross of others. I have unconsciously shoved the feelings, my soul has been dying to release, for so long that it has caused a stress that feels like "day one" of this journey.

Not anymore. I refuse to allow myself to ever do that again. My feelings, or moments, will no longer come second to anything. I will never bottle it up the way I have been. Crying, along with other things, helps me. When I'm ready to take my courageous and much needed leap into my sea of tears, I will.



Love Always,

Mommy

 

October 15th: A Day of Rememberance

Dear Cameron,

I love you.

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Today is October 15, 2013. Today is considered a day of remembrance for babies who were loss during pregnancy and infant death. Today is a day to honor and remember the children who have left this earth to be with the Lord.

Chandler and Cameron's Balloon

On this day, I not only honor you, Cameron, but I first solute and honor all the parents who have had to bury their child(ren). On this day, October 15, 2013, I remember the families who had to give their babies their first and last kiss. I honor the parents who, so bravely, walked out of hospitals, around the world, lonely, broken and empty handed. I solute the parents who keep their child(ren)'s memory alive; the parents who courageously share their story. I honor the parents who live life, laugh, love and grieve; I honor them. 

Today, Deborah, the mother of baby girl Chandler born sleeping, and I released balloons in the honor of you both. It was so much fun! While today is indeed a day of remembrance, we decided to use this day as a joyous celebration. We had 12 balloons: four pinks, four whites, and four blues. Inside each balloon was a small led light that made the balloon glow.  

After we said "I love you" and "I miss you", we let go of our balloons and watched as they gracefully floated in the air. The sky was a dark bluish mixed with purple. The balloons looked like little stars dancing across the sky. The cool light breeze helped them as if directing them towards the two of you. Three landed in a nearby tree, but loosened themselves free and continued with the others. That was funny.

It reminded me of blowing a puffy dandelion and watching the seeds float in the same direction on a nice summer day, but never seeing where they ended up landing.  
We watched the sky in awe keeping our eyes on the bright balloons until they were out of sight; disappearing behind the clouds. 

Once we released the balloons.

My eyes watered a little bit, watching the balloons and thinking of you.  This time they weren't tears of sadness and sorrow, but tears of joy. I smiled a lot thinking of how proud you are of me and how courageous I have been. Doing this, sending you the balloons, felt like you were so close. It felt like I could finally reach you for the first time in four months. 
I like that feeling. 

I finally pressed the pause button on life and caught my breath. 
Thank You Lord for giving me rest in the middle of chaos.

So on this day sweetheart dedicated to remembering you, Chandler and other babies, I also remember and honor their families. I pray that God continues to give them the same peace He has given Deborah and I. I pray that families look to the sky and in the midst of darkness, they see a sprinkle, glimmer, or whatever they want to call it, of light. I like to think of that little light as hope, soaring across the sky to someone who needs it. 

My sweet Cameron, mommy loves you so much! 
I will always remember you baby.

Love Always,

Mommy