Thursday, August 1, 2013

A Conversation About His Birth Father

Dear Cameron,

I love you so much honey. I thought about you so much today. I think about you everyday. You're just too wonderful to forget.

Today, at work, one of my managers asked about your birth father. He asked how your birth father took "it"; by "it" he means your passing. I love talking about you. I love when people ask about  you. I love reliving your bittersweet memory...sometimes. Only the good parts. I guess.

When my manager asked me about your birth father, I had to catch myself. He has said and done so many hurtful things. I try not to bash your birth father, but the thought of him makes me want to wish evil upon his life. I'm working on forgiving him, but it's so hard. However, out of everything your birth father has said and done, nothing compares to June 9, 2013 when he said those hurtful words about you.

I shared with my manager that your birth father and I no longer communicate with  each other. We are no longer friends. It's really "funny" because we used to be so close around this time two years ago. I don't know. I shared with my manager that I'm unsure if he loves you; when he had opportunities to confess his love towards you, he never did. I guess a father's love is different from a mothers love. My love is unconditional, sacrificing, selfless. A father's loves is...well I'm not quite sure.

I remember when you began to move for the first time. I was about 18 weeks when other people were able to feel it from the outside. I invited your birth father over to share these moments. He came over the same day I asked. He put his hand up to my stomach and I simply said "Hey Cameron". You instantly responded! It was so beautiful. Your birth father was caught by surprise. All he could do was smile. I told your birth father to say something to you. He softly said, "Hey man", you didn't respond. He said it again, this time a little louder, you gave your birth father a strong "high five" (is what he called it). We both smiled. It was the first moment we both got to share with you and it was so...parent-like.



After reliving that memory just now, I guess I can change my statement to I know your birth father loves you. But he loves you in a different way.

I feel sorry for your birth father Scott some days. I feel sorry for him because the only memories he has of you after your passing are the ones I created for him. He will never know how beautiful you looked in person, how sensitive it was to hold you, how beautiful your precious eyes were, your cute stubby nose, soft skin, big feet, smooth hair and full belly. All your birth father has of you is seven pictures, a footprint, and a wrist band. That's all.

I shared with my manager that your birth father left the hospital early that morning and refused to come back after you were born still to even see you. "I can't see him like that.."; I can sometimes still hear his monotone voice saying those words as I tell the story.

I was so confused. I asked my manager how a "father" could just leave and choose not to hold their child for the first and last time. To give their child their first and last kiss. To force me, your mother, to endure that hurt and pain alone; without the child's father. What kind of father is that? What kind of person is that? "A coward." He replied.

My eyes widened. I was speechless.

The blessing behind this is that you, Cameron, do not see it the same way I do; the same way others see it. You are probably so much more forgiving than I am. You are more compassionate, your are more loving. You are love. All you know is love. I carried and loved you your whole life...and then some. You heard my voice talk to you; sing to you, tell you goodnight. It was me who poked and rubbed you constantly. It was my heartbeat that soothed you to sleep.

The truth is, your birth father was afraid. He was scared to hold you, he was scared to kiss you and hug you...He was afraid to see you. Honestly, I was also, but I knew I could never live with myself always wondering "what if". As hard as it was to look at you, to hold you, kiss you...I'm glad I did. Those are my memories. That's what I hold on to, that's what I cherish. Your birth father's "I wish is had" moments are my "I'm glad I did" moments.

Cameron, you know your birth father's troubles. You know his aches, his pains, his regret, his fears. Comfort your birth father. Reveal yourself to him. Give him a hug. Let him know you're there. Show your birth father the love similar to what I gave to you. Even better, show him the love of Jesus. Intercede for your father when you see him do things he shouldn't do. Intercede for your father when he says things he shouldn't say. Let him know you forgive him Cameron. Don't allow him to forget you baby.

Cam, you know his heart, you know how he really feels. Help your birth father cherish his memories of you. Even the ones I created for him.

Baby I love you so much.

Love Always,

Mommy




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