I love you so much. Today was a good day. I have more good days than bad days. Although I have more good days, now, they still aren't as good as the good days before your passing. I think those days were my best days. Maybe I'll have more best days, but in a different way; a different form.
I recently learned of another young mother, whom I'm familiar with, just experienced this disheartening tragedy also. I remember, when being told about her. I felt my heart literally sinking. I was taken back to that place again. That triage room where endless nurses prepared to tell me the news I thought I had already braced myself for. My heart hurt for her; it hurt with her's.
I found myself reaching out to her and letting her know that if she ever wanted to talk, pray, and ask questions that only mother's of angels would be able to relate to, I would be there for her to do so. She thanked me and I let her grieve.
I took myself back to that day; your day Cam. I remember thinking that I was the only one. That no one else shared my pain or my story. That I would have to go the rest of my days alone. I don't want my friend to think the way I did. I don't want her to even peak into that miserable place. I later remember getting a phone call from a woman I've never met or knew of, but she knew about me. She shared my story, she encouraged me and, most importantly, she made me feel less lonely. She made me laugh and remember the good times I had with you Cam. She was the glimmer of strength I was (and still am) able to pull from. I look at her and think "if she can do it, I can do it".
I want to be that for my friend. I want to let her know that it's ok to cry, it's ok to remember her beautiful son's memories. I want to be there for her when she doesn't understand and when she needs someone to help pull her from that terrible place that the devil may try to take her to. I also want to let her know that there are something that I cannot do. There are ways in which I cannot help her. There are words that I cannot say that will ever be comforting enough for her on those days when she feels like giving up. That comfort comes from other places that only she will be able to seek.
She said to me the other day "...you're such an inspiration. You don't let it get you down at all."
Truth is, I do feel down and I have my moments, but I refuse to stay there. I refuse to let that devil have his way. I WILL NOT give him the pleasure.
The spiritual warfare is so real Cameron. I battle it everyday. I'm still learning how to use my new weapons. But I think of Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.
This means that God already knows. He already has it planned out for my good; for our good. Even though my thoughts are not His thoughts, and I cannot see the full plan right now, I have to continue to trust Him and know that during this tragedy, God is still God and He never left His thrown. He is still in control.
I think that's why I 'don't let it get me down', or maybe I do, but I mask it. I don't know. Either way, I know that I now have a true reason to get my life together. I now have a reason to live a life honorable towards God, a life to be proud of. That reason is you Cameron. Me living a righteous life is the only way we will be together again. This time honey it's for eternity...
Sweetheart, I love you so much. I miss you Cammy.
Love Always,
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment