I read a blog from another mother who experienced a stillbirth nearly a year ago. She does a lot of grief projects that help remind her, and other mothers and fathers alike, that this path can be conquered head on.
She said one thing in her blog that really stood out to me:
Remember that you are beautiful.I like that. I realized that after I lost you, I began to take better care of myself. I didn't understand why at first, but now I do.
First, I bought a ton of make-up. I guess to hide behind a mask. I think the reason I wear a lot of make-up is to cover my "pain", that way I won't look as miserable as I feel some days. I'm sure the only person I'm fooling is myself, or maybe I am fooling others. I don't know. I don't like to leave the house without having it on. I don't feel complete without my make-up on. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing.
I've also went to the spa three time last month. I found myself going on days when the anxiety was too much to bare. It was my me day. Although it was a little expensive, it was a good way help me relax and take care of myself.
I've also invested my energy into doing positive things, such as writing, going to support groups, and working on a foundation for you to help support a nonprofit I like.
Lastly, I've been reading my Bible. Even though my walk with Christ is not where I would like it to be, I can't help but to pull my Bible out sometimes and just begin to read. It gives me a piece that reminds me that you're ok and that I am still loved. I know I will see you again ONLY if I live a life honorable to God.
If that is the only way I'll see you're sweet face again, I don't mind.
I guess what I'm trying to say is my version of "remember that you are beautiful" is just simply being beautiful and feeling beautiful, and most importantly, knowing that I am still loved. Taking care of myself, first, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually helps remind me of such beauty that I know still exists.
Love Always,
Mommy
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