In an Angry Place

Dear Cameron,

I miss you. I just want to see your precious face again.

I've been at a strange place in my grief for the past couple of weeks; anger. I'm so on edge. Things, no matter the magnitude, set me off.

This anger is different. It's not like getting upset for a moment or two just because something doesn't go your way, it's more like... just being angry in general for no reason. I find myself taking my anger out on those closest to me. It's not fair to them, but I can't help it. I try to watch what I say and how I say it, but sometimes the words just come spilling out.

I'm a loose cannon.

I feel that some people are insensitive to my emotions and that adds to my anger even more. Because they don't understand. I hate that the people closest to me don't understand, and that makes me angry. But I don't want them to understand because I wouldn't want any of them to go through what I'm going through. I don't want to see any of my friends say goodbye to their child. And because of that, they may never understand the heartache of a bereave parent. I hope that makes sense.

All the cliche lines:

He was too good for earth.
You'll have more.
He's in  better place.

They make me angry also. People never know what to say, but that's because they haven't been here.  I would think that after hearing these words for nearly three months, I would have gotten used to it by now. Some days those cliche lines still sting as badly as they did when they were said to me days after you were gone.
I don't know.

My thoughts are everywhere. I want the anger to go away. I don't like this feeling. It's hard to understand anger. He shows up at random moments and makes me look selfish. Anger doesn't go away after I've screamed it out, hit a pillow, slammed a door, or cried my eyes out. He feeds off that. I hear his evil witch-like laugh sometimes after I've tried to get rid of him. It's like he's tormenting me. How am I suppose to deal with anger if I don't understand him? Why won't he leave me alone?

Anger makes me feel ungrateful, he makes me feel like I'm the bad guy, like I did this to myself. Sometimes I even get angry with myself. Anger doesn't care how I make other people feel. I think that's why I've separated myself from my family and friends. I'm tired of hurting people's feelings and jeopardizing my character.

I don't want to be an angry person, but you're gone Cam, and that makes me angry. I get angry that other babies who were born at 25 weeks have the chance to live, but you didn't. Why you? Why not me. Why couldn't it be me instead? I wish it were me. It angers me that you had to be the one to go and not me. I would have gladly and willingly given up my life for yours. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. You're worth it baby.

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26-27

Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

I am angry Cam, and in this anger I have sinned. With my thoughts and with my words. I have given the devil a place. I have let him in, but it's so hard to keep him out. In my anger I have lost control and compromised
my relationship with my family and my friends.

I hope that I will find ways to grab hold of this anger by the throat and take it head on. I hope I'm able to dig deep and find the strength to push through this anger and regain control. This is not like me. I want to understand my anger and deal with it in a healthy way.
I hope I'm not letting you down, but I'm trying my best Cameron.

I love you sweetheart.

Love Always,

Mommy