I love you.
The past weeks have been...pleasant, I guess. You would be proud of me. Over the past week and a half, I've discovered that I can truly be happy. In the middle of this mess, God does send some sunshine. Grief does give me a break.
I've been spending lot of time with my girlfriends; my best girlfriends. They have truly been beyond supportive over the past three months. After having you, I wondered when I would smile again; when I would laugh a genuine laugh. The kind of laugh that has me gasping for breath, but in a good way.
My girlfriends have provided me with that laugh. They helped me find my smile when I felt like crying. They have been there for me so many times. Times when I didn't even want them there and they refused to leave. I locked myself in a bathroom crying once and your Auntie Tyra stood by the door waiting for me. I remember her saying "I'm not leaving until you come out."
Cam, they loved, ...I mean love, you so much. They would have spoiled you rotten.
Baby you are so loved.
" You're so strong Domonique."If I had a dollar for every time that was told to me, I would be able to pay off my student loans.
But I often wonder what strength really is Cameron.
How does one attain strength especially when they feel so weak?? Why is it that I don't feel strong, but people always see me as a figure of strength? What truly makes me strong?
I'm honestly not sure what strength looks like, but I know where it comes from and that's the Lord. I think He sent me my strength in a couple forms; those forms happen to be my close friends, my family, but especially your Gigi, my mom, Patrice.
Throughout my pregnancy, my mom was so excited. I remember being fearful to even tell her. She said something so profound and meaningful that day at the dinner table. When I felt embarrassed and ashamed about you (sorry about that by the way honey) she told me "This child will not suffer or go without." It was a promise I knew she would keep.
My mother never left me, she always made sure you had whatever it was that you needed. From food to furniture, Gigi made sure you never went without. She would even pack my purse with those nasty, but healthy, pastry snacks we both hated. However she knew I would eat it when I grew desperate enough during the day.
"Did you eat today?!" she would ask me in her high squeaky voice.
"Yeeeessssaaaaa." I would reply back in a clearly annoyed one.
Having my mother with me that weekend was hard. I could look in her eyes and tell she wanted to lift all the emotional pain and heartache I was going through and bare it on her own shoulders. I could tell that she would rather it been her on that bed in my place. That's what mothers do; that's how they think. That's the heart of a mother. To watch me, her child, to go through so much and she have absolutely no control over it is very painful to endure, but she, my mom, did it. She never left. And that is an unbelievable amount of strength.
I guess what I'm trying to say Cam, is that I wouldn't be the strong person I am, without having the strength of other people behind me. This is not a one person deal. It takes the strength of others along with the power of God to produce the strength to get out of bed each morning, to continue living for a purpose and to even share things about your life and mine with complete strangers across world.
There are a lot of things I'm thankful for, but the thing I'm thankful for the most after having you is my mom. There was so much love in that room that day; so much strength from places I didn't even know existed. There was a lot of courage and bravery. I'm glad she was there to hold my hand, wipe my tears, and be my rock and my crutch when I physically and emotionally needed someone to lean on.
I love you honey.
Love Always,
Mommy
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