Changing Decisions

Dear Cameron,

I love you and miss you so much.

Everything reminds me of you. I remember you and I making frequent trips to the grocery store walking up and down the aisle. If it looked good, we would buy it. Now, I just avoid grocery stores, and when I find myself going into one, which is very rare, I avoid certain aisle. It always seem to be the smallest things that trigger my favorite memories of you. I don't mind it though. With every day, I get "better"...for a lack of better and more describable words.

I was asked about a month ago

If you could go back in time and warn yourself about what was going to happen, would you?

My first response was

yes.

I've pondered on this question again and again; wondering if that was the correct response. I wondered if it would be fair to force myself to live in fear; waking up each morning thinking to myself "will today be the day". Instead of spending the 25 weeks loving you, taking care of myself, and getting to know you, I would have spent that time countdown the days I had left until I lost you.

It wasn't until I went to dinner on Tuesday with my support group when I finally came to my true and final decision.

 

I resent my first response and would rather reanswer the question, this time with a confident and solid

no. 

If given the opportunity to relive that experience all over again, I would. I would not change anything about those weeks.  They were the best weeks of my life.
I would not force myself to live in fear and countdown the days. It would not be fair to you, Cameron, to subside the love, I still have, knowing I would soon have to, in respects, give you back. Those weeks were filled with an abundance amount of love, patience, compassion, and kindness. Looking back on my life now, I would not dare allow the fear and anticipation of a heartache to come and overshadow the qualities that desperately make me value and  appreciate what I once had.

There are a lot of things in my life I would change or, at least try, to do differently. You, Cameron, are not one of them. The journey of a bereaved parent is one I'm not thrilled to embark, but God knows I'm strong enough to travel. Some people may think I'm insane to not want to try to fix such a tragedy. But I challenge them to think more intellectually. What if you were never meant to be here? What if you fulfilled your purpose and, in one way or another, are helping me fulfill mine?

Lord, in a world where things are hear today and gone the next, thank you for your mercy, love, and grace that is never ending. Thank you for the promises you made to me.  Thank you for your Kingdom and for reminding me that sweet Cam is resting with you and that I will one day leave this grief behind and see my son again.

I love you Cam.

Love Always,

Mommy