Cameron's Possibilities

Dear Cameron, 

Hey honey. I love you so much baby. I find myself thinking of you more and more. My imagination about you is so...fun. 

I love thinking, wondering, imagining what kind of child you would have been, what you would have done and said. I love thinking about what your likes and dislikes would have been; your character, your personality. Those are things that bring me joy. 

In my mind, I can describe you; giving you a look. In my mind, you are perfect. 

At only 4 months, I imagine you to be long and chunky, just like the day you were born (I still don't know what to call it). I imagine you sleeping peacefully throughout the night with a small grin across your face; smiling the same smile you had when you were delivered. When you open your itty bitty eyes, that resemble mine almost identically, after taking a long nap, I imagine you looking at me, recognizing who I am and giving me a innocent baby smile.  The kind that signals me to pick you up. And I do. I think I would have been a sucker for you; being wrapped around your cute, but long, baby fingers. 

In my mind, I can develop your personality. I can make you into whoever I want you to be based on your character before you died. In my mind, I give you personality. 

At seven months, I imagine you to be a very lazy baby; only waking up when you're hungry or in the middle of the night wanting to be played with, as you did when I carried you.  I imagine you to enjoy long naps during the day, just like me, your mommy, and long trips to the fridge.  I imagine you squirming closer to me when we lay down together, just as you would do when I had you. It's funny, as soon as I would lay down, I could feel, and see for that matter, you squirming your way the top of my belly. It was as if you were making your way closer to my heart, closer to that sound that soothed you to sleep night after night before; my heartbeat. I imagine you loving the feeling of comfort and stability. 

In my mind, I can imagine who you would be in the future; how mature you would look, how mature you would act. I can imagine how you would carry yourself; imagine the type of person you would be. 

18 years have passed and I imagine you to be a young man of character and civility.  I imagine you being tall, like your birth father and I. You still have my big bright eyes accompanied with a million dollar smile. I imagine you speaking and thinking more intellectually than your peers. Always looking at situations from a different perspective.  I imagine you being a scholar and attending a college or university (I haven't thought about which one, but that doesn't matter).  The money I had been saving since you were only 13 weeks will now be paying your tuition for the next four years. I imagine you to understand and appreciate the value of a dollar and not take advantage of my money being spent. In my mind, you are a gentleman. In my mind you are a wonderful man. 

Growing up, I imagine you to be a lot like me; strong willed, determined, fun, and lazy all wrapped into one. I imagine you to have a drive to want to succeed, but not losing yourself along the way. Always willing to give people a second, third and fourth chance and seeing the good in someone even when there may not be an ounce left. I picture you being a man of God, setting an example for others and having self respect. These are my favorite imaginations. These are the ones that make me smile.

I love making you into anyone I feel like. I love the endless thoughts I can brew together and even shape you into a person. I think that's one of the best part about grief-the possibilities, even if they're wrong; but who cares. It makes me happy thinking of what you could have become.

I love you Cam...so much honey.

Love Always, 

Mommy